Say Everything
by sayitlikeyoumeanit
Summary: It's been a summer and Corrinne is finally figuring everything out. She's moving on from the first break-up between her and her first love. But when she allows herself to fall for someone else she finds it harder to forget what she moved on from.
1. Prologue: First Day of July

**Prologue: First Day Of July**

The lesson in anything is the lesson of letting go. Learning to allow yourself to let someone leave your life. I sat at this little table. Fiddling with pepper and salt shakers. My mother was out back getting her things together to drive me home. And I had been sitting there in that booth for hours it seemed. My cell phone's at home, which meant when I stalked a mile to come here and ask my mother to give me a ride she needed to close up first before providing me one.

I sat there silently. The regulars smiling at me, saying goodnight as they walked out. Alone. In couples. In families. I forced smiles back and tried not to let the pain take over. They say it only hurts at first. But if it hurts this bad after only a few hours, then I don't know how long it will be before this stops hurting.

When the lights in the kitchen go out and I hear my mother shuffeling from out back I sigh, pressing my hands to my face. Inhasling and exhaling. The sickness in my stomach was twisted and inflicting me with bursts of discomfort. The smell of food just made it worse. My mother's diner was empty. All but me and her when she appeared in the dim light.

I got up getting my coat and scooting out of the leather cushioned booth. It was the one I always sat at. But never alone. Even when I was younger. There was lead filling my shoes as I walked ot my mother. She had an arm out taking me and pressing me and letting me lean on her. She rubbed my back guiding me out the door. She flipped to the 'Closed' sign. And the bells rang twice more before we finally passed through that small swinging door.

* * *

I didn't bother turning on the light. I followed my instincts. My room memorized as I groped my way to my bed. I pulled my shoes off and climbed in. The soft mattress took in the familiar shape of my body yet somehow there was something slightly off. I rested my head on my pillow. And then suddenly it came spilling out of me.

There aren't many nights where you find yourself crying. I had held back for so long. So many hours. I looked at the clock. The red numbers of the digital clock beside me turned into a blurry set of lines. _It's 11:11, make a wish._

The one wish I had manifesting inside of me came out. It was a twisted string of regret. I wanted to go back to the sunset. The pretty clouds. Tell myself how much it will hurt. How stupid I was being. Because of all things I let go of something that was worth holding on to. And my lesson was right now.

I had to work tomorrow but I don't know what it would be like to have another Saturday at the diner. I squeezed my eyes shut. For the beginning of summer, I didn't think things were going to be this hard.

There was a familiar sound out front. An engine cut. I waited. Opening my eyes a little. And then there was a door shutting. Slamming shut. I closed my eyes again. Crossing my fingers. Then faint there was a sound. A song. One I knew so well. I breathed. The song kept playing. I turned my back though. It probably wasn't even real.


	2. Chapter 1: Late September

**Late September**

**Chapter 1**

It was another morning. The regulars come in for cups of coffee and what they normally get every Saturday. I pour refills and hand people their fried eggs and toast. Their plates of bacon and the little kids their chocolate chip waffles. I smile now. I find it possible. There is still a ghost in the corner of the room. In the booth he used to sit at every Saturday. But it's been long empty.

I walk up to another table. There's a boy there I know from school. I think his name's Anthony but I'm not sure. He's new. I smile and take out my little notepad. "What can I get you?"

Being a waitress isn't fun at first. You think it's awful. Especially when your shy. You walk up to strangers that know the restaurant better than you if they are regulars or people who don't know what the "Early Morning Riser" is and you have to go through askign them if they want white toast or wheat toast. Sausages or bacon. Orange juice or coffee or milk. But by now I'm used to it. Once you get the hang of it it's an alright job. I work here when I'm groudned and I get paid for it. And even though everyone knows my name, I'm still a nobody. The conversations you overhear are so weird or ridiculous it's funny.

But on Saturdays there's nobody to share them with. And Saturdays are the worse and best. You hear everything. I used to walk over to that corner booth counting my tips on my breaks telling him what I overheard. He'd laugh. To a point he'd be spitting coffee back into his mug laughing. And nobody bothered us until someone called my name reminding me my break was over.

The boy looks up at me and then quickly back down at his menu. Spread out in front of him. He scans it quickly one last time. "I'll have the waffle plate." He said. "With..." He reads the descirption the options. "just bacon, please."

I smile. "That's been the easiest order I've had today," I sigh writing it down. "Thank you." I take his menu.

"It's breakfast how complicated can it be?" He smiles a little. He looks at me. He has these big brown eyes and brown hair that reaches his eyebrows. He's cute.

I laugh. "You'd be surprised." I tuck my notepad into my pocket. "Do you want some more coffee?" I ask.

"Sure," He says. He hasn't stopped looking at me.

"Okay," I say. "I'll be right back."

I make it behind the counter. Seeing Mr. Collons reading his newspaper. I refill his cup of coffee. He looks up and smiels at me weakly. I smile at him to. And walk away. Mr. Collons' wife passed away in May. She had cancer and was really sick. He's been here every morning reading the newspaper so he doesn't feel alone in his big empty house.

I walk back over to the table with that boy sitting there, He's reading now. I pour more coffee into his mug. He shuts his book, holding his place with his thumb. I was taking a step away when I saw the cover. There was a sore pang in my chest. "You like Charles Bukowski?" I ask.

He looks up at me. Then back down at his book. "Yeah," He smiles a little. his big brown eyes taking me in again. "He's my faovrite author."

I smile. "Mine too." I said. I nod at his book. "That's my favorite book by him. It's only short stories, but I love it so much."

He nods smiles a little embarrassed. "I've read this seven times now." He said.

I smile at him. "Your waffles will be out soon." I said. I walk away. My eyes catching the booth in the corner. He gave me my first copy of _Hot Water Music_ on The Fourth of July before last.

* * *

The boy with the Charles Bukowski books stays longer than most. When people start leaving it happens quickly. One second you're in a full booming room the next it's trickled down to the quiet few. There's a young couple in the corner. They have a little olive skinned baby that's asleep and they talk softly together and smile and drink coffee. Mr. Collons is on his perch at the end of the coutner reading the newspaper and finally nibbling at the cold toast he ordered two hours ago. He reads two newspapers. One the town newspaper the other the Boston Globe. I don't know why someone would read the Boston globe if they live in California or how they would get it. But it's always a few days older than the date.

There are a few soccer moms feeding their kids who scored goals and are rewarded with my uncle's famous chocolate chip pancakes. But the other waitresses go home I help my mother up until the lunch shift. When if she doesn't need me I can go home.

"Do you want some more coffee?" I ask the Charles Bukowski-boy.

He looks up at me. "Sure," He says. I pour him some more. "I didn't get your name."

I look at him a little surprised. "I'm Corrinne." I say smiling a little.

He smiles at me, putting his hand out for me to shake. "I'm Michael." He said. I switched the coffee pot over to my other hand so I could shake his correctly. "I think I've seen you before. Do you go to West?"

"Yeah," I said. The high school here is called West Mountain High. The "mountains" is these hills that overlook the town and the highways and go really high. Everyone goes there. "I think I've seen you before too."

A group of people came in. "Cory!" My mother called. "You can go home."

"I'll see you later." I said smiling at Michael again. "I'll look for you on Monday."

"Okay," He said. He was still smiling a little. "Bye."

I waved and walked away. Sticking the coffee pot back into the machine. My car was aprked out back. I hung up my apron. Newly stained with coffee and whatever else I had managed to spill on myself. My clumsiness was a part of me no dance class or carefulness could stop. I waved to Nate. He usually switched with my uncle beofre lunch. "See you later Nate."

He steadied himself on his crutches, he was working here because of his accident. He was struck by a car and wasn't healing too well. But the kitchen was perfect. He could hobble around on his crutches and cook. It was fine. He waved to smiling. "See ya' Core."

I slipped out the back. Going down the cement stairs and walking towards my little car. It's small and old. Box-like. Bright yellow too. Like a clown car. All I need is a few flower stickers and an oversized clown in the backseat to complete it. But I'm the only one whose been in it for the past two months.

Every Saturday I've driven to these cliffs. They look over the town. You can't see anything but the little cars. But I park there on the ledge the summer air circulating for the last time before it starts gettign a little cooler. My windows down I sit in the passenger seat instead of the driver. Reading. Of course. This book I was given before I even knew him. Which is one of the reasons I read it over and over again.

It ties me to him less.

Saturdays remind me of him most. It had been one whole summer and he came in the first day. Up all night with his friends. They sat in that corner booth on a seat-yourself-day. And he would talk to me. Asking me stupid embarrassing questions. I finally got pissed that first day and asked him why he was giving me such a hard time. His friends all got out and he put money on the table on top of the bill. He shrugged. "I've never seen someone blush that shade of pink." He said.

I shot him a look and started to walk away.

"No," He had called after me turning and looking at me. I stopped and looked at him. "I didn't mean it in a mean way."

"What way did you mean it?" I was just gettign used ot my job.

He shrugged. And I kept walking. Coming back to find a phone number scibbled on a napkin. Something I would later know as typical Steven Green.

I felt another pang in my chest. It still hurt thinking his name. My eyes fell over the town wondering where he was. In his rickity old van. Was he out there? He was there somewhere but it was like pinpointing an astronaut in the solar system. They were so small in a big plane. but they were hiding somewhere.

I tried my best to get focus again. But when this happened I just sat back and closed my eyes. Pulling my legs up to my chest and breathing. Trying not to snap. I was moving on though. In baby steps.


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

I was on my back porch on the swing. I was doing my math homework. I always do it on Saturdays to keep myself busy. I could hear a familiar voice. _Come on, homework is for homeroom. We could be doing anything now. You're wasting away, Corrinne. _But I ignored it slapping out numbers and math problems with such a speed I should be a calculator. My mother isn't home until four. She get's Saturday nights off. That's when my dad takes over.

The diner is a family thing. My mother's mother started this when she was pregnant with my mother. And my mother worked there all her life. When my grandmother died my parents took over. Making me the tourist attraction. The cute little girl who sat there happily and giggled and laughed with anyone who came in. I colored. And drew in more old people on Sundays to be made an event on Sundays. A sign out front should have read: Little Girl Inside; Will Be Cute for Attention.

But my parents just took in my uncle's pancakes and his cooking abilities and it became my second home. There isn't really a name. It was Thompson Diner. To everyone now it's just the diner. A staple in the town. A place the regulars go. And everyone has eaten at. It's not too lame for teenagers and not too young for older people. And friendly enough for little kids. And quiet enough for people like Mr. Collons. And busy enough to keep my mind off of the empty booth in the corner.

Then again nothing's perfect. And there are little things here and there. But everything has to clash a little.

"Cory!"

I jumped. My shoulder jolting up. I shot a look in her direction. For as long as I can remember my little sister has always been bugging me to no end. I shoot her a look. "Shut up, Taylor."

"Sheesh." She said looking at my homework. "Calculus?"

Then I go on ignoring her. She sits on my grandmother's old rocking chair. She watches me. Creaking back and forth. She's freckled all over her arms and legs. Her hair a reddish brown and her skin the skin of a pure-redhead. I was given the Thompson family brown hair. The darker hair. But in the right light you can see a red tint in it.

"Are you going out tonight?" She asked a little less in my face.

I lift my eyes up to look at her. Keeping my face tucked in my calculus book. "Why?" I ask. I go back to my homework. Waiting. Going through the rhythems of this math problem.

"I was going to have Tyler over." She said softly.

I looked up at her. "Why do I need to be out of the house?" I asked.

"Mom doesn't want me having him over when you're here." She said. Sometimes I wish Taylor could keep her mouth shut. She doesn't fliter what she says. She jsut spits it out. I look back down at my numbers.

Babysteps. I swallowed. "I'll go out with my friends." I said. "That's fine." I start digging my pencil into my page with such force I break the tip. Making it less fine and messy.

"Don't have a hemorage, sis." She said getting up. "Thanks though. I'll call him right now."

I listen to her. Stopping and hearing her hurry into the house. Getting the phone and calling her boyfriend. Her voice being carried out to the porch through the screendoor we haven't bothered to switch with a glass one ofr the fall. She invites him over. Her voice happy and jumpy. Excited and young. Blinded. Then she dares to say it. "I love you."

I wince. And turn back to my math homework. I slam the book shut and get up. Pulling myself to my feet and forcing myself upstairs. I get my cell phone out I call Kirsten. "Hey Core, what's up?" She says. Her voice cheerful as always.

"Hi," I say. "Are you doing anything tonight?"

"There's this party Elliott got invited to." She said. "She said I should go but I was going ot call you. I don't want to go with jsut her."

I smile a little. Relieved I wasn't going to spend another Saturday alone. "I know," I said sitting on my bed and crossing my legs into the pretzel formation they teach you in preschool. "I wouldn't either. She'd blow you off for some guy."

Kirsten laughed. "Exactly." She said. "It's a house party too," She pauses. That means he won't be there. I don't know why people try and protect me from him. I haven't seen him since that first day of July. "But I'll pick you up if you want. I think I'm picking up Elliott too."

"Yeah," I said. "What time?"

She paused. "I think like 7." She said. "Yeah, that's what Elliott said. The party's staring at like six thirty. But I'll pick you up at like seven fifteen. I'll be picking up Elliott first and she'll take forever..."

I laughed. "Yeah, sure." I said. "Sounds good."

"See you then Core." Kirsten said happily into the phone. "Peace."

"Bye," I said.

I hang up. And check the clock. My mother's going ot be home in a few minutes. I know she'll be happy I'm leaving the house. Sometimes I never leave enoguh for her. I drop back on my bed and close my eyes.

* * *

Elliott is in front fiddling with the radio. "Why do we never get good stations in your car?" She asks loudly to Kirsten.

But Kirsten rolls her eyes. "I just listen to CDs." She said. "I don't give a shit about how good my radio is. And _someone_ broke it." Elliott broke the radio when she was drunk. She was kicking the dashboard for some reason and her foot when right into the knob which means it skips around and doesn't work sometimes.

But Elliott just rolls her eyes. "Cory, should have driven." She said.

I smile and sit back. "Come on guys," I say. "It's just the radio."

We pull into the house in a few minutes. Elliott jumping out before Kirsten pulls the keys from the admission. We both watch her. "She's going ot get smashed tonight." She mumbles to me. "I can tell."

I smile a little. "When does she not?"

Kirsten snorts and we watch her get into the house easily. We walk up behind her. The door left open by the guy holding it for us. There isn't much people. There are never a lot of peopel at these parties. The parties in the fields are cooler. But I would never go to them anymore. I say that people protect me from him too much when I can't even get the guts to face him. Babysteps I always say. But knowing what happened makes it worse.

I look around with Kirsten. I take five steps and then my shirt is suddenly soaked with beer. What's worse was it was a guy. Not a drunk or tipsy girl who would giggle and leave me alone. It was a completely sober boy. I start wiping off the beer that didn't manage to sink into my shirt. I hear Kirsten choke down a laugh behind me. The guy tries to help to. "Sorry," He says quickly.

I look at him. It's Michael. The Bukowski kid. I feel even more embarrassed. He looks at me. He's embarrassed to. "I'll get you a towel," He says.

"Thanks," I say softly. Looking at my poor beer stained shirt. My clumsiness has never helped me much.

_What are you talking about? You're as graceful as anyone. Nobody's perfect. I don't see why you try so hard. Then again... you're as close to perfect as anyone can get._

I swallow the lump in my throat. The sudden pang. Sharp and painful. I go off to the side. Kirsten laughs. "God, that's just your luck." She said. I touch the stain. The wrinkled circle on my shirt. "I know," I exhale.

In a minute he's handing me a red towel. I press it to my stain. It won't soak any of it up. But I wipe away the beer splatters from my arm and jeans and neck. "I'm so sorry," He says again.

"Don't worry," I said. I smiled at him a little to make him feel better. I sighed. And looked at the stain.

"If you want another shirt, my friend has a sister." He said pointing upstairs. "She's a little bigger than you and taller but I don't think it'd matter if you borrowed a shirt. She's in college and..."

"Okay," I said. I felt a little nervous going home with a new shirt on but I followed Michael upstairs. He got me a shirt and left me waiting outside of this girls bedroom. The door was shut, but he flicked the lights on and in a few second came out shutting the lights off again and shuttign the door. He handed one to me.

I took it and he pointed to a bathroom. "You can change in there." He said.

"Thank you," I said nodding smilign at him.

"I'm sorry," He said. "I'm so embarrassed. I'm not normally that clumsy, I was jsut a little... nervous." He looked like he wasn't intending to say that. "I ramble a lot too." He admitted.

I laughed a little looking back at the stain. I could feel it wet on my skin. The smell of beer filling my lungs. "It's okay." I said. "It's not that bad. Don't worry."

"I'll see you downstairs," He said pointing behind him to the stairs. "I'll give you a beer instead of pouring one on you, maybe."

I laughed. "Okay. See you around." I went into the bathroom.

I hadn't felt this in a while. This rush. This newness. It had been a while since I had gotten this feeling about a boy. I didn't like Michael. I jsut wasn't used to this feeling. It happened on the 4th of July before the last. When I had seen that obnoxious kid sitting in the same booth had had last week except now he was alone. Looking tired and reading. I had to serve him. And he ordered jsut plain cinamon sugar toast and coffee.

Reading. And he'd smile at me sweetly whenever I refilled his cup of coffee. And finally I asked him what he was reading. "_Hot Water Music_," He showed me the cover. "It's by my favorite author Charles Bukowski." He was cute so I forgave him for being obnoxious because he was being really sweet today. I said I never heard of it. He said I should read it. And he left it on the bill along with the three dollars for his breakfast. There was a note on a napkin inside. It said his name with his number again. And then another napkin with the words "Your Name:" followed by a blank line and then "Your Number:" with another blank line.

I sighed taking off my shirt and ignoring myself in the long mirror. I pulled a new shirt on over my head. It fit me a little loose. But I figured it was fine. I really hated that shirt though. The one that was now covered and smelling of beer. I looked at it. Taking in the stain and my school name going across it.

I left it hanging from the shower curtain rail. To make up for me stealing this random girl's shirt.

Kirsten was downstairs waiting for me. She smiled looping her arm through mine. "He was cute." She said. "He likes you I think. He was all nervous."

I really didn't want to think that. He could. But then again what did that matter to me. I was still trying to take my babysteps. I was trying to live a Saturday without noticing the empty booth in the corner of the diner.

I smield though. For Kirsten's sake. For everyone who had to witness me taking my babysteps. "Maybe," I said. "I don't know. I met him in the diner today. He's cute."

"Talk to him, Core." She said. "He's so cute."

* * *

I was in the dining room watching Elliott play a drinking game. Quarters. I played that once against him. Obviously he had better aim. But I got better as I drank more. But I watched Elliott. She has this long straight blonde hair. That she throws over her shoulder before each shot. She gets it in a lot. She has a lot of expirience at this game. I felt fine standing on the outside of the table. She'd never make me drink.

She finally missed and had to drink. So I moved away from the table. I didn't want to be an option to drink.

I must have turned suddenly, becuase yet again I almost ran into Michael. But this time he made it sort of clear he was comign to talk to me. He put his arms out to make sure we didn't both collapse or spill anything on each other. "Hey," He said. "See this time I wasn't carrying a beer." He smiled. And I noticed his hands shook a little.

Boys were never showing any signs of nervousness around me. Ever. He just went for it. Diving in with complete confidence. And here was Michael. Cute, sweet, Bukowski-reading and now nervous. I smiled. "We've learned."

"So I think I owe you a beer."

I don't ever drink much. But I stood off to the side. I did drink. Especially this one year. But never really since. I filled my summer with the diner and hanging out with Kirsten and sometimes Kirsten and Elliott. But to go to parties may hold that big "what if so-and-so was there."

And so-and-so was someone I thought about too much today and everyday.

Michael came back and handed me a beer. This time he made sure he handed it to me. And I laughed a little when he made sure I had a good grip on it. I don't know what I used to talk about at parties with boys when I never really dated them. I was shy but getting over it. And they started talking to me. It was always at these house-parties where the boys were like Michael but were never nervous. I always was. Never them.

We talked about _Hot Water Music_ and our favorite short stories from it. And how much we loved Bukowski's poetry too. I didn't say the only reason I never read Ham on Rye was because Steven... he never had the attention span to read books that long. He liked to read short stuff like poetry and short stories. Especially Bukowski. But even thinking it was like shooting myself in the foot. I didn't die it just hurt like hell. But Michael was sweet.

He was really nice. And charming I guess. But not so much the kind of charming I was used to and sure of. It's been a while since I've talked to a boy I realized. In middle school boys were gross. Freshman year, they were all rude still. Sophomore you realized they were out there. And by now they were all we wished for in middle school. Michael was my middle school version of myself's dream.

But I never pictured myself with anyone anymore without it bringing heavy sharp pangs in my chest.

Michael though was nice. When Kirsten came over to me announcing Elliott was pukign and we needed to get her home, he managed to get me to put my phone number into his cell phone. And he said he could call me sometime or text me. I never texted much. I was old-fashioned. But that was jsut because the only person who liked to text was Kirsten and then Elliott did too. But she typed too text-savvily.

And I said goodbye. Once we got Elliott home. And into her finished basement with her sister Jamie waiting for her and to take over for us. Kirsten grinned at me. "Someone got your phone number tonight, Core." She informed me.

I nodded. Not looking at her. "I know." I smiled a little. Remembering the napkin I left filled out with the same number along with a bill of Three dollars and eighty-five cents. I felt a sharp pang in my chest again.

"He was cute." She said. "Date him."

I laughed looking at her. "Okay," I said sarcastically.

"No," She said. "I'm serious." She looked at me quickly. "You spent all summer working. And now your finally picking yourself up and moving on. I'm happy for you Core. You're on the right road again. I was so scared for you. I didn't know what to do."

I nodded. And looked out the window.

"I'm sorry," She said. I looked at her again suddenly. "I'm sorry he broke up with you, Corrinne. I knew how much you cared about him."

I swallowed. saying it for the first time outloud. It came out a hoarse soft volume. "I broke up with him."

And the ride home was silent after that point.


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

It happens every night. I'll be lying asleep. Or trying to. I shouldn't say it happens every night. Because that's not always true. It varies. But now over the summer the pattern changed. I'll be trying to sleep. And I'll hear a familiar sound. The door opening and the engine will keep going. And a song will start playing. Loud enoguh for me to hear. And I'll turn my back to the window.

That dream haunts me every or every few nights.

I always sleep well those nights. To hear that song. To know it's still out there. Playing on while I take my babysteps. My small little babysteps.

To know I'll wake up the next day and know I survived another Saturday. And slept into Sunday.

* * *

My house is always quiet on my mother's day off. She always sleeps in late while my sister and my father are busy at the diner. I'm never usually hungry and always lazy. So I open our bread drawer and take out a loaf of wheat bread. My favorite food has to be the simplest thing to make. I liked peanut butter sandwiches. No jelly. No fluff. Just peanut butter on wheat bread.

Everyone in my family likes things that are hard to make and complicated. I like simpler things. It's eleven in the morning. So I take my time in my quiet house. Walking around and seeing the little house I grew up in. I never see it much. I'm always working now. Or at school. But everything's the same. My grandmother's buffet full of our family pictures that go from black and white to the latest digital photography. All mixed together. And I can see myself.

With freckles. Small and happy looking. And I got sort of normal. Quiet looking. To the picture that was cut in half. I has me standing and smiling on the porch. I'm in a dress. A mint green one. It's still up in my closet. And looking at it always hurts. Because everyone cuts him out of my life like they do in these pictures.

I remember getting that out from the developed envelope of pictures. And seeing it. The two of us in the sunset on my back porch talking before we left for the dance. He didn't like dances. I mean he was who he was. But that night he was never happier. _Psh. I'm missing out. I love these things. Let's go to every dance they have next year._

Somehow I can smile. The picture isn't lying in front of me. But it doesn't hurt me. Remembering this picutre. Because it was beautiful. It was perfect. It's a shame they cut it. I thought there were too copies but maybe he took one. I think he did. But I swallow. My eyes feeling like they were jsut rubbed with salt. Stinging. I move away and get my keys and figure I can stop by and help out at the diner.

The moment I get there they send me out. So I drive where I would normally. I go to the cliff. Or I plan to. I get caught up at a stop light. In the summer all of the houses in this town look sort of green. Like it's out of a perfect movie. Especially on my street. The houses are all the same colors but in variations. Except our door is this bright red with black shutters. We stick out badly on our street. But in a weird way our town harmonizes.

I looked across the streetlight and see Michael. I wave. He smiels brightly and waves to me. I have my blinker on and he's going straight. He lets me turn. I wave to him again smiling. He smiles back.

He is really cute. He's different. He doesn't make me think of anything. He helpd me forget. My cell phone rings. I look at it. It's an unknown caller but my guess is that it's him. "Hello?" I say.

"Hi," He says. "I have a feeling we're going ot keep running into each other."

I smile. "I guess that's a safe bet." I said.

"This town isn't _that_ small," He said. "But, I think it's almost inevitable."

I laugh. "Yeah," I said. "I agree."

"I had a nice time talking to you last night." He said. "I think we have a lot in common."

"Me too," I said. "I haven't met too many people who like Charles Bukowski." I smile. Feeling the rush agan. The feeling I had last night talking to Michael.

"I know." He said laughing softly. "I think maybe we should hang out sometime as friends."

I smiled a little. "Yeah," I said. "That'd be cool."

"I'll call you sometime, and you know we can plan something..." He was saying.

But suddenly I took a slight turn. I froze. And my car kept moving. The van I stared at came to a haulting stop. Slowing to a complete stop. I kept driving. Passing it. I felt my breathe just leave me. I froze stiff. My car kept going though. Passing it quickly. And he just stared. His eyes wide and as shocked as I was. I watched him in my rear view mirror.

"Corrine..." There was static. "I'm...sin...ou...ll you...ter."

I jsut hung up. Watching him. He got out of his van and watched me. Standing there in the street on the yellow lines. _Do you want to know a secret? I always want to walk barefoot down the middle of the road in those yellow lines. I don't want to do it alone... Do you want to?_ Watching me. His figure getting smaller. I almost hit something but I turned.

He started running I swear he was running towards me. But too much distance was in between us.

And I was in shell shock. My heart pounding and my skin icy cold. My back was hot and spikes were piercing me all over my body. I swallowed and breathed. I finally caught my breathe on top of that cliff. Looking out knowing he was still there somewhere. In the busy patch that was my hometown. He was there.

They say it only hurtst at first.

It's been too long for it to still be "at first."


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

I went home and was pale my mother said. Feeling my forehead. It was dinner. "Honey," She said softly. "Are you feeling well?"

Feeling well? Sure. Sure. I was feeling well. My body was numb. All over. And my chest was feeling the spikes and pokes of acupuncture over and over again. And my hands wouldn't stop shaking. I gripped my fork with white knuckles. Scared my bones would split my skin and be exposed. But it was all I could do to not shake. And my voice, I could hear my vocal chords shaking before I opened my mouth to respond. I felt like there was a ghost in the room. Passing through me and chilling and killing me. I swallowed a piece of food. Hoping it would choke me and I wouldn't have to lie to the people who had been through this before already. "Yeah," I said. My voice sounded normal.

I was shocked.

"I think you should take a shower, Hun." She said. "You look freezing. Do you want me to shut the air-conditioning off in your room?"

I shook my head. "I'm fine." I said again.

"I don't want you to go to school tomorrow if you're like this." My mother said carefully. Watching me.

"What!" Taylor exclaimed. "She doesn't even have a freaking fever and you let her stay home! You need to see vomit come out of me to keep me home and when the princess over here get's a little pale she gets to stay home for a whole week!"

My dad shot her a look. "Taylor, stop." He said. He cut into his steak again. And looked at me. "I think she should stay home too. She's been working too much at the diner. She probably caught something there. I heard there a flu going around. Sue's kids caught it Thursday and Tommy just came down with it yesterday at the diner."

So they sent me away. Taylor glaring at me as I walked upstairs. I sat in the bathroom. Turning the hot water on. Getting undressed. I saw myself in the mirror. The high one that only showed my collar bones and up. I was pale. I was shaking. All of my babysteps were completely taken back. I was back to square one.

That night it happened. Again. This time the song played louder.

* * *

I never know what to do with myself when I stay home sick. I sat on the couch and watched TV. Watched Soap Operas you didn't even need to watch every episode for. You just needed to know Peter and Clementine belonged together. That was it. So when they had random hot sex you were happy. And when he got up and left to go back to his girlfriend you were sad for poor Celementine. You felt as bi-polar as Joe the _actual _skitozophranic diagnosed as bi-polar in that episode.

But Soap Operas depress me more than anything. Because they jsut tease the fake characters and the viewers. We want to see Peter and Clementine back in love like they were before Clementine slipped into a coma the second episode through season two. But they are only in love, truly in love once. I want to know if you can truly love someone again.

Because we all know Peter is lying when he says he loves Apple- the blonde fake Hollywood Hills girl he met at the hospital after her boyfriend slipped into a coma too. I ate peanut butter on wheat bread and canned chicken noodle soup Elliott brought over when I was like this before back in July and my parents were too busy working the diner to notice.

My parents hated canned food so I saved it for when I needed it. Unlike homemade soup, the noodles are chicken flavored and the broth is perfect and it doesn't go bad after a week. It tasted as good as it would when Elliott gave me. I never had canned soup before. And it was good to know that people who didn't have homemade everything brought home from a day's work at a diner... they aren't missing out on much. They have their luxuries like canned soup, while my house has it's homemade.

Because of the mountains people expect our town to be a hill-billie place. It's not. It's a normal Californian town. There are a lot of people here. We don't have skyscrapers but we have an insurance building. I guess we're a small town. But it's one a hundred short of being classified as a "town."

I could hear Taylor come home. She stomped into the house and found me on the couch enjoying my canned chicken noodle soup. I was savoring it.

"How was your day off?" She spit at me shooting me a look. "God, they always let you stay home and miss work or whatever. It's so stupid." She crossed her arms sitting on the couch.

I didn't look at her. I just sipped my soup again. "It's because they feel bad."

The morning after the first day of July I slept in till four. Not being able to sleep. And my parents left me notes saying I didn't have to work. Elliott and Kirsten would come over and hang out with me. What unnerved me most was that everything about him was jsut gone. The picture in the buffet was the last to go becuase it was such a beautiful picture. But my mother cut it too. They sent Taylor into my room to take all of the polaroids of us off of my dresser and vanity. They put people in that booth in the corner. And they never brought him up.

Taylor went silent. After a few minutes she spoke. "Did Peter sleep with Clementine yet in this episode?" She asked.

I shook my head. Checking the digital clock on the cable box. "Two dollars," I shifted holding my mug of canned soup carefully so I didn't spill it. "It happens in the next five minutes."

It didn't matter that I didn't work today I made two dollars per Soap Opera I watched with Taylor that afternoon.

* * *

My phone rang when I was upstairs. I answered it seeing the same number that was once unknown. I saved Michael's number into my phone a few hours after he claled when I got back to reality. "Hello," I said aswering.

"Hey," It was him. Of course. "What's up?"

"Nothing," I said, I touched my bed post. My hand curving along the corner. "I'm sorry I didn't see you today. I was sick."

"Really?" He asked. His voice sounded concerned. "Are you feeling better?"

"Yeah," I said smiling a little. "I'll be in school tomorrow. I'll look for you."

We started talking. He kept the conversation going. I could stand up a lot longer. Last night I could barely stand properly. In the shower I was swaying and almost collapsing. But in a little hwile I jsut sat down. Feeling a little bit of relief when my weight was taken off of my legs. I talked ot Michael for a long time.

When he said he had to go, he surprised me a little. "There's this party Friday." He said. "I mean, I don't know how far ahead you and your friends plan to hang out, but I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go with me. You know, jsut so we could hang out and stuff or talk more."

I smiled a little. "I have to work at the diner," I said. "But I get off at eight."

"I could pick you up from there." He said. His voice sounded happy. Excited. I didn't think this was a date. Because Michael is the kind of guy who would make it clear it was one. I liekd that because you knew what to say and what to think.

I started talking to that boy in the booth every Saturday. He wasn't normally the kind of person I liked being around. He smoked cigarettes and was in a band. But he was nice and funny. And he was jsut different. He'd leave me notes on napkins. Sometimes with maps of tables and marked ones where the people were doing something insane or sometihng like Mrs. Peters- the elementary school teacher wearing a lemon yellow jumpsuit. Funny things. Mrs. Peters was old mean and scary. She terrified me and wore the same clothes everywhere. He knew the town better than me and the people in it.

Finally one day it had a note with directions somewhere and a time. I went there. It was to a cliff obviously and he was waiting there in his rickity old van. And he smiled. _You know most guys like the approach of just, you know, asking the girl out. But you know, you don't seem to be into that boring awkward crap. So I figured I had to ask you out in a more creative way_.

When I hung up the phone I smiled and called Kirsten. "Hey there!" She said happily.

"I'm going out on a date with that Michael kid." I said happily.

"No way!" She basically deafened me she said this so loud. "Ellie!" She pulled the phone away from her ear. "Corrinne's going on a date with that new kid!"

You could hear Elliott scream.

I felt happy. I felt myself take one giant step. Babysteps didn't work. And they were too hard. But now the world had given me three or four giant steps ahead of myself. And I was happy and excited to be leaving everything behind me. And I knew my friends were happy because I was finally forgiving myself. I was finally letting myself be happy.

But to be honest I probably can never forgive myself. I can only try to forget.


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Elliott sits down and starts peeling an orange. "So tell me abotu this Michael kid," She said. "I heard his parents are loaded." I sit down across from her. Kirsten is in line buying lunch. I never bring. I always have a shift at the diner after school for a little hwile unless I have something else planned. But I dropped softball last year when I had other interests and spent my spare time in a rickity old van and in the booth in the corner of the diner.

I shrug. "He's really nice." I said. "He was reading my favorite book at the diner Saturday. And we started talking about it. And when we went to that party that night he spilled a beer on me. And we talked the whole time."

She rolled her eyes. "Is he another cheesy guy or was it a nervous mistake?" She asked.

"What?" I ask. Kirsten comes over with a slice of the school's nasty pizza.

"The whole spilling a beer on you thing." She said. "Or was he drunk?"

"No," I said smiling. "We walked into each other."

Kirsten looked at me opening her bottled water. "Is this about your big date?" She asked.

"It's not a date." I said. "We're just hanging out as friends."

"Oh yeah," Elliott said smiling. Ripping out a wedge of her orang and popping it into her mouth. She chewed and swallowed. "It's definatly as date, Core."

* * *

The week went by quickly. I talked ot Michael a lot on the phone. We called and talked ot eahc other. He usually called me. My mother was happy to hear me on the phone late at night. Not sending my father into my room to yell at me like he would to Taylor and her boyfriend. Every night when I had that dream though I forgot about Michael. I always did. And kept my back ot my window. The sound always made it's way through.

When I saw Michael at school we'd smile and say hello to each other. We talked in school too. But never for long because it was usually after school when I had to rush to the diner. My mother always told me I could have stayed and hung out with Michael but I didn't want to blow them off. They were always busy after school. Kids came in and hung out.

Elliott kept reminding me it was really a date. Askign me what I was oging to wear. I was going ot wear whatever I did at work. I hoped I didnt' spill anything on myself or have someone walk into me holding something that would stain or make me smell.

I like Michael a lot. On Thursday he came into the diner. And when I was on my break I'd sit with him and we could talk. Taylor would walk by carrying my table's food. That meant my break was over long before now.

Taylor was happy too. She thought Michael was cute. I know out of every boy I ever dated that she met she liked Steven best. He was funny and she would always feel comfortable going over and tlaking ot him on her break. Taylor's a year younger than me. And they got together well. They listened to the same music. She helped him try to expose me to that music. And he made me mixtapes all the time and him and Taylor were happy with the progress I was making.

Then I went back to listening to the radio.

She never spoke or acknowleded Michael. She looked at him and walked by quickly. I figured nothing would be like it was with Steven. With Friday planned and knowing I was starting to like Michael everything was easier. I could think about Steven Green and it would hurt less. I couldn't touch the box of the things he had left in my life in the attic and in my closet. There were thre. The smaller one in my closet on the farthest edge of the shelf above my clothes.

But I couldn't tihnk his name. And the pangs in my chest wouldn't be so sharp. They'd be like someone beating me on the inside. Hittign my sharply in the chest every time I thought those two words that haunted me and would for the rest of my life.

When Friday came I didn't have to go to the diner right away. So Michael and I sat outside of the school talking. I was smiling and talking to him. I was finally happy. The kind that would hopefully last. But somehow it didn't. I was looking over suddenly seeing a bright blue shirt. It caught my eye because it was like neon.

Our eyes met. And I froze. Time did. Michael was talking. I wasn't paying attention. He forced a smile. And I forced myself to look away. There was a sharp pain in my chest that didn't go away.

I was sort of off for the rest of the conversation. But Michael didn't notice. When I finally had to go to work he hugged me. And I hugged him back. Feeling someone hugging me was so strange. I didn't know how long it had been sing someone did. I pinpointed it later as the boy in the neon blue shirt.

But for them that small awkward squeeze squeezed out the pain in my chest. I smiled weakly at Michael. "See you later." I said.

He msiled back at me. And watched me walk away to my little yellow car. And I drove to the diner. My mind only registering one color. Neon blue.


	7. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

The night was slow. I was closing it tonight at eight. Because there was a big football game for the town but not everyone was football crazy. People left slowly. And followed the closing time happily. Wishing me goodnight. I went out back. Nate was puttign on his jacket. "See you Core." He said. "Good luck on your date."

I smiled. "Thanks," I said. "Goodnight."

I waited for Nate to leave to turn off the light. I splashed water in my face to calm the uneasiness that wasn't brought on by a "date" but by that color that was glued in my head. I couldn't shake it off. I breathed pressing a towel to my face. I took off my apron and hung it up. The final bells ringing as someone walked out. I turned off the lights in the kitchen. And as I started to walk out I saw it again.

It drew me in. I thought I was seeing things. But no. The booth in the corner was occupied.

He saw my reflection in the glass and got out of the booth turning and going stiff. His shoulder up with his hands sliding into his pockets he looked at me. And I took him in over the long silence. He has this messy bright almost white blonde hair. And from far away I could see his eyes reacting to his bright blue shirt. He has these hazel eyes that changes color more drmatically than you'd epect. He smiles a little. A forced short smile. His real one is huge. Bright and makes anyone smile along with him. He looks so happy you wish you were as happy as him. He has always been pale. And the bright color does his pale skin no justice. Making him the ghost that still haunts me.

I lost my breathe. There was no air coming in and out of me. I swallowed feeling my heart skipping around. Racing as I tried to form a sentence. But I remained silent. My head spinning rapidly and giving my no time to think.

"What's up?" He said finally.

I came out meaner than I expected. "What are you doing?" I asked. Accusing him of just being here. Of doing something wrong when he never did.

He paused and looked at me. His eyes traveling up and down absorbing me. The changes that happened over the summer. I was the same. Which said a lot of things. I didn't go to the beach or to the lake in this town. I didn't tan with my friends. Or dye my hair and come back to school with a totally new me. Reinventing myself. Who I was in the first day of July is who I am today. The same person affecting my life in different ways but still the same.

"What? Did you expect we'd never speak to each other again?" He asked narrowing his eyes at me. "Or is that what you wanted?"

I was suddenly pissed at him. He couldn't just waltz back into my life. "I don't have to deal with this." I mumbled. I stormed out. Going out back. Grabbing my keys off of the counter. And slamming the backdoor of the diner as I left. He couldn't do this. I started walking. I had no car. Taylor had driven it home. Because she was dropped off here by her friends. I was stuck.

The door opened and he came out. "Corrinne," He said. His voice was killing me. I crossed my amrsand kept my back to him. My eyes stinging. This hurt too much. "Why are you doing this?"

I knew Steven better than anyone. I knew everything there was to know about him. And I managed that all in a few months. And he did the same when it came to me. We knew each other so well. We knew what we were going to say before we said it and we loved it. And we liked gettign to know more and more. But here he was. Trying to come back into my life. And I didn't know him at all.

I remained silent. I started to rub under my eyes to make sure my make-up wasn't running. To check and see if I was crying and not feeling it. I saw his shadow. "So now you decide to cry. Like I'm the bad guy."

I turned and looekd at him. "Are you saying that _I'm_ the bad guy in this?" I said.

He looked at me again. His eyes traveling across my face. We were so close. Five feet. But it was as close as we've been in three months. Or less. "No," He said softly. "You didn't even seem to care that night. You just left me there. You didn't even say why."

I listened to him. And stared at his shadow. He waited. Watching me probably. "You would have lied if I told you why." I said. My voice sounded so hollow. Saying these words outloud sounded more honest than thinking them. It was all I thought about when he came to my head. He would have just lied that night to save us.

He reamined silent. "Can you tell me now?" He asked. "I mean, I don't have any idea what went wrong. Everything was going so fucking good and then... you just left me."

My eyes traveled up looking at him. And we went silent again. I shook my head. Michael was coming. I couldn't let myself cry. He didn't know Steven even existed. Let alone know what happened. I turned and started walking. "Corrinne!"

Suddenly his hand found my elbow. Gently. His touch sending electric shocks through my body. He tugged softly. And I turned land there. He caught me, moving his hands to my face. I started crying. And trying to pull away. He stayed near. Wiping tears away as they came out quickly and silently. "I'm sorry," He said to me softly. "For anything I did. And for now. I just... need you, Corrinne."

I looked at him. My tears slowed down. And he leaned in. I realized what was happening. This had to be a dream. This wasn't real. I had a million dreams like this. Where he came back to me. Apologized for sometihng he couldn't help. And he was back. But this felt so real. I pulled away. And he stopped. And froze where he was. The place where if I had stayed he would have kissed me.

He smelled the same. His skin giving off the same sweet smell mixed with the smell of cigarettes. Making something that made me forget everything but the fact that we were broken up. I was moving on. Or trying to.

He moved back. Still holding my face. "Can we at least talk?" He asked. "I could give you a ride to wherever you need to be. I want to talk, Corrinne. Please."

I never knew him to be like this. That year he was always so happy. Always living and never worrying. He was always living in the moment. He knew how. I didn't. But he gave me that ability. To learn how to live. And I did. Only to leave that behind when I walked away from him on the first day of July.

I got into his rikity old van. It still shook as the engine burst to life and it was still littered with fast food wrappers and mix tapes. Sneakers lying in between the seats and the back with another row of seats all his band's equipment. It smelled like tree pines mixed with the faint smell of smoke. And it was the same. It sputtered to life moving like a new car just with the possibility of it crumbling into a million pieces.

We didn't speak. He wasn't playign any music either which was hard to believe. He always listened to music in his van. No matter where he was going. When we drove to Mrs. Collons' funeral and to his grandmother's he played music. He always had music playing. Now in the silence it was unbearable. I looked out the window. And felt my inside shaking.

We started going up to the "cliffs" even though they were just the hills you could look out onto the town from. And I swallowed. Hard. He kept driving. He never focused on driving either. He never had the attention span to. He was like a little kid at heart.

There was a certain cliff we went to. A lower one. Where you could see the horizon perfectly. And it was a simple line cut into the sky. And the drop was sharper. But he cut the engine and we sat there silently. He looked at me. "I haven't seen you at all until this week." He said softly.

I nodded. "I know. Me too." My voice was soft.

He cleared his throat. "Are we going to stop talking?" He asked. "After tonight?"

That was it. I didn't know what would happen. I didn't want to know what would happen in between us. He was Steven Green. And we used to be Corrinne and Steven. The inseperable and unbreakable and invincible. I shrugged. "I don't know."

He looked at me. His eyes moving across my skin. I could feel them as if he were running his hand across my crossed arms and touching my face. He remained gripping the wheel with one hand until his knuckles were white. "I need you, Corrinne." He said. "I mean, you are the only person I'd ever trust with my life or with anything. And not seeing you is like you dind't even exist or we never even met. I need to know you were in my life. And I need you to be in my life."

He was so vulnerable. I knew Steven as the in your face agaisnt the world person. He lived and here he was struggling to keep up. I didn't like it at all. "Okay," I said softly looking at him.

"What are we going to do?" He asked softly.

I breathed. "We can try..." I tried to think of the word. I couldn't picutre it happening but for his sake. "To be friends."

And he looked at me. "Do you mean it?" He asked steadily and firmly.

I paused. "Yes," I said.

And he looked at me steadily. And smiled a little. His smiled forced again. And he looked at me. "How have you been?" He asked softly.

I paused. The word slipped out. "Not good." I said softly.

"Me too," He said.

And we started talking softly. About what we've been up to. How his little sister April was. She turned three yesterday. And how Taylor was. And how the diner was. And how his band was. The silences were awkward and made me shake inside. I didn't believe I was really there. Talking to him. And he seemed to feel the same way. I knew that too even when he didn't say anything. Because neither of us had changed since the first day of July.


	8. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

We started here on this cliff and we ended on it. And we were back. I remembered looking out at the sunrise with him. Talking about nothing to him. And being here with him. I looked at him carefully. We were talking softly and cautiously. Choosing the right words when normally he would have gone on talking so fast he'd mix his words together.

But it was settling. It didn't hurt as much anymore thinkign about him. I didn't feel anything. I waited for myself to wake up.

It was late. After midnight. "Do you want a ride home?" He asked.

I realized the time. Not realizing it had been four hours. "Oh," I said. "Yeah."

He smiled laughing a little at the shock across my face he started the engine of his rikity van. The ride was bumpy as we drove to the road that lead to the streets again. I crossed my arms. Remembering the nights I spent sitting in thsi van with him. I closed my eyes. Feeling tired. "Sleepy?" He asked.

I looked at him. "A little." I said.

"Me too," He said smiling. It was small and more natural.

When he dropped me off in front of my house I got out. Walking in front of his van. I was halfway up the walk. "Corrinne," I turned he had his window rolled down. "I'm glad we could talk."

I nodded. Smiling a little. "Me too." I said.

"Goodnight," He said starting to roll up his window.

"You too." I started walking up to my house. Hoping my parents were asleep and didn't see it was Steven. I was in disbelief. This was a dream. I never thought I'd talk to him again. We broke up. And he was one of those people I couldn't think of as just a friend after that. But I guess we were just friends now. I doubted it but it was possible. We could at least try.

I found my phone on my vanity. The screen lite up with a voicemail.

My back went hot. My eyes widened and I ripped open my phone. I called voicemail and listened. "Hey Core... it's me... Michael. I'm at the diner but seems like you're not. I was jsut wondering where you were. Call me back as soon as you can. Bye."

I caleld him back even if it was so late. I waited. He answered on the second ring. Thank god. I felt awful. "Hello?" He said. His voice calm. I could hear music. He was probably still at the party.

"Michael? Hi, I'm so sorry." I said quickly.

"Corrine?" He said. "Hey, it's okay."

"I forgot to call you," I said. I thought of a lie. I didn't want to, but tellign him I was with Steven didn't seem liek a good thing. I wanted to move on from him. I liked Michael. Or I wanted to let myself. "My friend was really drunk and I had to take care of her."

"Oh, is she okay?" He asked. His voice was concerned. I felt sick. I was a sick person. I had forgotten about him completely.

"Yeah," I said. "I just got home, I'm so sorry."

"I was worried," he said. "I didn't know what happened. I'm glad you're okay."

He was sweet. Michael. I smiled a little. My stomach feeling uneasy lying to him like this. He was so innocent. "I still want to hang out with you." I said. "Maybe we can try again?"

I heard his voice perk up. "Yeah," He said. "Totally, I agree. We should. I can't tomorrow afternoon, but I'll try and stop by the diner in the morning. We can try and plan something soon."

I sat on the edge of my bed. "Definatly." I said. "Okay, so I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, yeah." He said. "Tomorrow."

"Goodnight," I said. But suddenly I heard Steven's voice echo in my head. It made my chest hurt again a little.

"Goodnight."

And I listened ot him hang up. I swallowed handing up too and shuttign my phone. I looked across the room to my closet. I kicked my shoes off and wlaked over carefully. I looked up on the shelf. Pushed aside was that box. Below it was the mint dress I wore to the Junior prom last year. It was hard to believe I was a senior now. Going to college next year. I reached ofr the box. It had a thin film of dust around it. But I brought it over to my bed and opened it.

Steven had this polaroid camera. He loved it. He ordered these boxes of film for it. He was in this club for it for soemthing and he got them. And he used to bring it to the cliff with us and take pictures. We'd take the ones we wanted. I had this box full of them. I picked them up. They were ones of him that I had taken. I didn't smile though. I used to. At his faces. The brightness of his eyes. But it didn't warm me looking at them now. It still hurt.

There was one and it was of both of us. He lips pressed to my temple and I was smiling. We were off-center and you could see his arm holding the camera out. I smiled, and felt the pain shocking my chest again. I sighed and evened out the stack of the pictures I had taken and looked at. I put them back. Looking back at them.

It was scary thinking he was back. He was in my life again. He was the same. Which may have scared me most. Nothing's changed. I blinked looking at these pictures. I thought about Michael. Now Steven and I could forget these afternoons when we'd take a million pictures and forget about them.

I wanted to move on. I wanted the pain to go away.

Michael was the answer. He made me forget. That's what I needed. I could never forgive myself. But with michael I was steps closer to forgetting. I shut the box again and put it back where it was. I wish I could do the same to Steven. Take him and push him back into the corner of my mind. Keep him a safe distance. I ran through my mind that moment when he almost kissed me tonight. what if I didn't move away. I could be unpakcing those pictures.

Me pulling back was a sign. I finally learned I was better off without him. I had a chance to move on.

That night I slept restlessly. In the silence.


	9. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

I walked around taking orders. My uncle was home. His day off. every last Saturdya of a month he took the lunch shift. Nate was hobbling around the kitchen while we shoved mroe orders to him. Today was seat-yourself-day. Thinking most people wouldn't be around after the big game. We forgot about soccor moms and miscalculated as usual.

Taylor was busy waiting tables too. My mother taking more and Lynn was working too.

Lynn's the It-girl. The cheerleader. The prom queen-type though she didn't win last year. And knowing her she was out late, getting drunk celebrating another victory of our undefeated football team. She was hung over and dying in the noise and people yelling at her for getting their orders wrong. She got them right; her handwriting was like a three-year-old's today.

The bells rang non-stop. I was too busy waiting tables to anticipate anything. Too busy to notice a soccor mom and her kid in the booth in the corner. But finally when things slowed down I found myself waiting a table I was finally excited to do.

He smiled at me when I place a menu in front of him. I poured coffee into the mug sitting empty in front of him. "Hey," I said.

Steven would have been dying right now for coffee. Loading it with sugar and pounding down creams. That was a long time ago, but still. Michael looked clean. He looked awake and wasn't moaning for coffee. He smiled up at me. "Hi," He said.

"I'm so sorry about last night." I said. "I want to make it up to you sometime." I really did. Michael wasn't the only guy in the world. He jsut was the only one I liekd even a little bit. I needed to pick myself. Stop taking babysteps. I was done. That had failed. I wouldn't go anywhere especially after last night.

"Don't worry about it," He opened his menu not even looking down at it. "We can reschedule, no big deal."

I smiled. "Okay," I said. "Do you need a few minutes?"

He looked down. "Actually, no." He said. "I'll have the waffle plate with jsut bacon."

I took out my notepad and wrote that down in my neatest handwriting to save poor Nate strugglign in the kitchen to read Lynn's orders. But also I wanted to stay a little longer. "You know," I said smiling a little. "If you keep coming here and ordering the same thing, you could reach 'regular' status."

He laughed a little. "I will," He said. He folded up his menu. "I always wanted to be a regular someplace. It alwasy seems so cool."

I laughed. "I'll go put this in." I said. I tucked my notepad into my pocket. "but my breaks in a few minutes if you want to talk." I picked up the coffee pot sitting on the table near him.

"Sure," He said smiling. "You know where I am."

I smiled walking away. I put his order in. My coffee pot was running low so I put it back into the machine trading it for a fresh one. Taylor came up behind me. "He's so cute." She said leaning in as she walked by.

Mr. Collons was sitting on his perch on the edge of the counter. Reading his newspapers. I refilled his coffee. He thanked me. He seemed happier today. We exchanged a smile. We were both happier today than most. The bells rang slower. And the soccor moms filed out with thier MLS Hopefuls.

I sat across from Michael and we talked. We didn't make any plans to hang out but I told him about the diner and everything. He liked it here. He said he never had stuff like this in his old town. He was from this Mid-west town. Never saw the ocean until moving here. I asked him about his town.

My eye caught a flash of blonde hair. I looked over and saw Steven. Sitting at the booth in the corner. Taylor was standing there smiling and poured him some coffee. He must have said something funny and she burst out laughing. There was a flash of sometihng inside of me. But I tried to ignore it. It was my sister. Who really cared?

Taylor suddenly came over bringing Michael's plate out. She looked at me. "We need you to make a quick round and finish your tables." She said.

I nodded. "Thanks," I said. And I got up. She walked over to the other table she was carrying food for. "Do you want more coffee?" I asked Michael.

He shook his head. "No thanks," He said. "I'm sorry if I'm keeping you from your work." He smiled.

I laughed. "Don't worry," I said. And I walked away. I gave more coffee to Mr. Collons. Moving around from table to table asking if they wanted refills. I went to the talbe I had no chance of avoiding.

"Hey there." His cup was drained. I refilled it. "He's _cute_." He said goofily.

I smiled a little. "Thanks," I said.

"Do you like him?" He asked. I looekd at him. My ex-boyfriend was asking me this. Of all people. "Can't your friend be curious? I mean isn't that what I'm supposed to do? Be nosey and up-to-date on everything that goes on in your life?"

I rolled my eyes. "I think so." I said. "I'm not sure."

"How can you not be sure?" He asked more seriously. But then again it was Steven. When is he ever serious?

I shrugged. "How can you be sure?" This was something he would say to me.

And he laughed. A little. His smile big. He was back to normal. He was the Steven I always knew. He put more sugar into his coffee as I walked away. Thank god he didn't shout something embarrassing at me. But as I walked my chest felt sore again. A soft pounding feeling. Something that escalated each time I had to go over and refill his coffee when Taylor reminded me my more frequent "breaks" were over. Michael stayed long. But he finally had to go.

He said goodbye to me. And the bells rang twice as he left. Steven was drinking coffee and reading something. He looked up at me and raised his eyebrows to exchange a look with me. I looked away from him awkwardly and walked away. Closing my eyes and trying not to think about anything.

Taylor was gone and my mother looked at me strange when I walked behind the counter again. I took a mug out for myself. Pouring coffee in. Black thick bubbling and hot. Enough to relieve the soft pain in my chest. She didn't say anything though. I know how I earned that look. That surprised and estranged look.

I took a sip and finally Steven got up and left. Waving to me as he walked by the window and we made eye-contact. I waved back a little. Smiling a tiny bit because he was too. And he turned. His rikity van passing in front moments later.

My mother didn't say anything. Even though I knew she was dying to.

* * *

My mother and sister took my weak response to their questions of how my date went with Michael well. I said it wasn't a date and it was fine. They left it there. It was Kirsten and Elliott I didn't want to face. But we went over Elliott's that night. Her mother out and we sat in her basement. The meeting supposed to be "hanging out" but I have a feeling it served one purpose only.

"So how was the big date last night?" Elliott asked rolling onto her stomach and beaming up at me.

I couldn't lie to them. Of all people they'd figure it out the easiest. Kirsten leaned in to hear. They prepared themselves to recieve the message: "Steven Green has officially left my life."

"I didn't go." I said.

"What?" Kirsten said. Her mouth open wide. "You cancelled? Why?"

Elliott remained silent. And folded her arms waiting for me to answer the last few questions.

I tucked a piece of hair behind me ear. I wore it back a lot. _Come on, you look so beautiful with your hair down. _But tongiht it was down, and it felt strange. But I showered before going and pulling it back when it was wet was a process and I had already been late. "I was closingthe diner when," I started. "Steven showed up."

"Steven-" Kirsten started to cut in. Starting to say all I expected to hear. "You idiot Corrinne. You've been hung up on the guy and you broke up with him in the first place. What are you going to do? Let the guy be the center of your life forever? You finally found a guy and gave him a chance and now suddenly you're back with the fucking loser? This is a joke. You could be with any guy in the world and you keep ending up with that moron!"

But Elliott brought her hand up shushing her sharply. "Go on," She said.

I swallowed. "And we talked, and I forgot all about Michael. But Steven and I aren't back together or anything. We're just going to try and be friends, and Michael and I are going to reschedule."

I waited. And neither of them said anything. They knew this was to fragile of a situation to go about the ways they wanted to. Elliott cleared her throat. "Good," She said. "You need that."

And from there nobody said anything about it.


	10. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

My cell phone rang and I got up; moving away from them on the couches after seeign who it was on my caller ID. Elliott and Kirsten eyed me curiously. We were watching a movie. One we had memorized in middle school and was just watching for kicks now. But it's not so fun when you have every line carefully memorized. There's no fun anymore.

I answered slipping out of the door of Elliott's basement. "Hello?" I said.

"Hey... it's me." Michael. I smiled a little. Crossing my arms taking in his voice. "So, I was wondering, if you would care if I rescheduled the rescheduling of our hanging out as friends?"

I stopped smiling. Thinking this was it. But there was no way he could have found out I ditched him to hang out with my ex-boyfriend. He could have seen us in the diner. When I refilled Steven's coffee and he talked to me. Did we look a certain way together? I didn't know. "Oh, um," I looked around in the dark. The little yellow light bulb over my head was flickering slightly. "That's fine." My voice sounded so thin.

"And maybe," He said. "We could try something a little different." Suddenly everything went back uphill. I smiled a little again, shifting my weight from one leg to the other. "Like a date?"

"A date sounds good." I said, scuffing my shoes on the pavement under my feet.

"Cool, so," He said. He was so casual about this. "I was thinking we go a little more formal than before, but not too much; and try maybe me picking you up at the diner-"

"And me being there for you to pick up," I added smiling.

He laughed a little. "Yeah," He said, his voice was so warm. "Me _actually_ picking you up at the diner, and going to a restaurant, but I have to warn you, it's going to be a chain restaurant, if that's okay with you."

I laughed a little. "A chain restaurant sounds good." I said. "I haven't been to one in a while."

"So it's set then," He said. "I'll pick you up at the same time as yesterday night."

I smiled. "Sounds good."

"I'll see you in school," He said. His voice was so happy sounding.

"Yeah," I said. "See you soon."

"Goodnight," He said. His voice really soft.

"You too." I said. And we hung up.

When I went inside the movie was paused and Elliott and Kirsten were beaming at me. I looked at them. "What?" I asked.

"That door's thin." Elliott said happily.

I smiled. "I have a date."

* * *

On Monday I parked where I normally did. This time Taylor was sitting in the passenger seat beside me. She's been happier around me. My mtoher too. I had a date. There was no reason not to be happy. In between Taylor and I, we were getting along well now. I was happier. My mind racing and my skin warm. We got out. "Remember," She said starting to walk away from me. Spotting her group of friends. "You have to go to homework club. I need a ride home."

"I will." I said waving. "See you." Taylor was staying after for this club she got into last year. She couldn't get a ride so I offered her one. Even tohugh it meant me staying after. I didn't mind. I didn't have to work today anyway. They had Lynn going in to work some extra hours.

I wlaked up to the school. I saw Michael talking to one of his friends and I felt happy. He saw me and as I walked closer his friend said goodbye. He had this msile on too. We were both happy. He wlaked towards me. "Hello," He said smiling.

"Hi," I said smiling back.

"I have to say I'm getting excited for our date." He said. "I can't wait to bring oyu to a chain restaurant. You don't seem to be the kind of person who goes to them a lot. So it'll be easier to impress you."

I laughed. "I know," I said. "Last time I went to one was when I was ten."

"Really?" He asked raising his eyebrows. "Are you joking?"

"My parent's own a diner." I said. "Saying the name of a chain restaurant is like swearing." It was true. The only reason I went was because of Elliott's tenth birthday party. It was amazing. I didn't know any of the waiters or waitresses and the food tasted like chain restaruant food should. I've only been to a chain restaurant five times in my life. I never needed to. I had the diner.

He laughed. The bell rang. "Ah-man." He said. He pointed at me. "I hope I see you around. What lunch do you have?"

"First," I said.

"Lucky," He said shaking his head. "I have last."

I smiled. "I'll see you around." I started walking.

"Hey," He said catchign me again. "Are you going to be hanging around after school?"

I paused. "No, I have to stay after." I said. "But you can call me later."

"Cool," He said smiling. "I will. Well, see you around hopefully."

I smiled. "You too." I turned bumping into someone.

"Sorry," They said quickly. Of all people. He was wearing a grey sweatshirt today. I remembered it. He wore it on our One-year. He looked at me too. We both hesitated picking ourselves up. We kept walking. Stuck next to each other. His shoulder pressed into me when we got near the doors. I felt shapr pains in my chest. He smelled like he always did. This time he smelled less like cigarettes. More like the smell his skin gave off when he didn't smoke at all. It was intoxicating and I thought about how I missed that smell. But I forced that thought out too slow. It crossed my mind.

It still hurt. But we were "friends." It wasn't supposed to. We were supposed to try. I didn't know trying would take so much. I sighed and we moved apart. He walked quickly away from me. The same distressed way he walked when we fought and he didn't feel himself. When he was vulnerable.

It was good to know he wasn't having an easy time with this either.

* * *

In homework club did all of my homework i nthe first hour. Quickly too. Looking around at all the kids getting tutored and math getting explained. I got up to go get a book to start reading. I still had another half hour.

I went through three isles looking at books. A pair of hands hit my in the hips were I was ticklish I jumped. Turning sharply. He was there laughing.

"Steven!" It was the librarian.

"Sorry Mrs. Valentine," He said turning to the librarian. She smiled and shook her head. There was nobody expect for the assistant principle who had the ability to hate Steven Green. You can't no matter what.

I started walking past him. He stuck his hand out catching me. "I'm sorry, okay?" He whispered. "I couldn't resist."

It hurt having him touching me. My chest ached. I stepped back crossing my arms. "That was unnecessary." I said.

"You're so antsy right now," He said laughing softly. His voice still a whisper. "Is it that big date you're so nervous about?"

"Who told you about that?" I hissed at him. My voice a whisper suddenly.

He looked at me like I was dumb. "Taylor told me yesterday." He said. "I miss the old diner." I shook my head turning back to the shelf. There was a tug in my chest. Remembering a couple times when we've been here. In the stacks, his hands would slide around my waist and he'd kiss my neck.

I was thankful for the few feet in between us. "So you like this guy?" He asked still in a whisper. He leaned onto his arm on the shelf looking at my face. I was getting annoyed.

I turned sharply. "Yes," I spit at him. My voice still a whisper. He face was so close to mine.

He nodded. And I went back to the shelf. He reached out and pulled out a book so it stuck out. He leaned into my ear. "I'm in love with this book." He said. "I just can't bring myself to read it ever again."

And he walked away. I looked at him. My eyes following his bright hair. His bright green shirt. There was a sharp pain in my chest. I followed him his footsteps grew bouncier as he went on. He waved and said hello to Mrs. Valentine at her desk. He looked over at me suddenly still talking to her. She did too. I forced my face down.

The book remained sticking out. I picked it up. Looking at the cover. "Dogrun" by Arther Nersesian. When I looked back over in his direction he was gone.


	11. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

I caught him at his van. "Steven!" I called loudly. His head snapped in my direction and he saw me. Taking a step back from the door of his old rikety van. I hurried stopping a few feet away from him to catch my breathe. I was out of it. I had run after him. He had a good lead somehow. I didn't know where he had gone. "What did you mean?"

"Huh?" He asked. Typical.

"That book's," I gasped. "About a women who was deserted by all of these men all her life until one dies and she has to scatter his ashes. Why would you show me that?"

He raised his eyebrows. "It's a good book." He treated me like I was slow. "I really liked it. That Nersesian dude knew what he was talking about."

"You don't read books." I said too quickly.

He looked at me for a few seconds. His eyebrows went down. "I read it over the summer." I froze. Those words hung in the air. That one prepostiion phrase stuck in my flesh like a knife. _Over the summer_.

I looked quickly over at his van to keep myself from looking at his face and feeling the tugging in my chest. "Oh." I said. I looked back at him. He slid his hands into his pockets. The same way he always did. When his shoulder go up a little and he gets rigid and stiff looking. I swallowed air in hopes I could catch my breathe again. Who knew it was so hard? I hadn't even run so long. My brain wasn't accepting the oxygen and my stomach was about to explode for osme reason. "Is this about me and Michael?" I asked suddenly.

He kept his eyebrows down. "No," He said. "You can date, Corrinne. We..." he forced the next two words out. "Broke up."

I was quiet. Those words hung in the air too. I swallowed. Looking at him again. "Will I like that book?" I asked softly.

He grinned. "You'll love it." He said. "I'm positive."

I nodded. "I'll read it."

"I'll be asking about it Saturday." He said grinning. "When you tell me about your big date. Where's he taking you, the fields?"

I shook my head. "He's taking me out ot dinner." I said smiling a little.

"_Boring,_" He said. "That doesn't sound very original."

I rolled my eyes smiling. "I don't care," I said. "At least it's more set in stone than a _certain_ first date I remember."

He laughed. "Come on," He said. "You loved it. You were a little nervous but it was fun."

I sighed crossing my arms. "I'll see you, Steven." I said.

"I'll see you around," He said smiling. "Saturday and every day this week. You staying after again this week?" I shook my head. "Damn, Allan's got me in detention for the next two weeks. Apparently I," He mimicked Mr. Harrison's voice, "'Violated school property'" His voice went back to normal. "Or whatever."

I didn't even want to know what he did. It probably wasn't even bad. It was just going ot be typical Steven Green. "I've got work at the diner everyday this week now. This is my day off. I switched shifts with Lynn." I said.

"Oh, Lynn's working there?" He asked. He winked at me. "Maybe I should come more often."

I forced a smile. There was something that hit me hard in the chest when he said that. "Sure," I said. "See you." I started walking.

"Remember," He called after me. "I want that big dinner date in detail Saturday. Reserve one of your breaks for me, kay?"

I turned walking backwards. "Kay," I said. Smiling a little less. He waved. His smiled growing weaker too. I turned back so I didn't trip as I walk backwards like I have done before. I went back up to the school. The tugging in my chest weakening eventually. I checked out the book and sat down. Reading it.

* * *

I got into the car with Taylor. I looked at her finally. "Why would you tell Steven about my date?" I asked. I was mad at her. She didn't have to tell anyone about it. It wasn't about her. She didn't have the right to.

She rolled her eyes. "He asked about you." She said.

It didn't matter that he asked her. But suddenly I realized that he did. He had asked about me. He had asked her about me yesterday. And I blinked. My chest still aching from reading that book. "You shouldn't go telling people about stuff like that." I said. "That's my busniess."

"So you're trying to do the whole 'Friends' thing." She said accusingly. "Pretend you weren't hung up on the guy all summer?"

I looked at her. Cringing and moving back. She softened. Realizing what she had said. "I'm sorry." She said softly. I started driving and we didn't talk the way home. She got out of the car when I pulled the keys from the ignition. She stopped. "Are you going to tell Michael about him?"

I shook my head. "No."

And she nodded walking away. I knew for sure I wasn't going to tell Michael about Steven until I had to. There was nothing to tell. We had a good year. We were happy. We barely fought long enough to remember when we did. We had been really happy. There was nothing we had a scare about or ever worried about. We were alive and we had each other.

But telling Michael about Steven wasn't at the top of my list. We were having our first date. I didn't even know if we would last longer than that. I'd worry about it when this would be more than just a date.

* * *

**Are you Team Michael or Team Steven?**


	12. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

That night I lay in bed. Exhaustion cesed to sink in. And I heard that song. I turned my back to the window as always. I didn't know what it meant to hear it so often. Especially now. Each night it seemed. But I closed my eyes. I was sick of hearing it. I had gotten off of the phone with Michael a few hours ago. And thinking about him now made the pain more sharp. More precise. Striking me in the same place it always did.

I put my hand over my heart. To feel the spot where the pain was radiating from. My chest was still. I searched for my heart. My heartbeat. The pulsing keeping me alive.

But for some reason I couldn't feel my heart beating.

* * *

He had picked me up on time. He had a nice car. A new one. The seats smelling new. They were leather and uncomfortable. But then again in this situation I was used to cloth seats and an old van destined to fall to pieces in the middle of a drive. I tried not to compare things to Steven. But it was hard.

He did nice things like open the cardoor for me and pulling chair out for me at the restaraunt we went to. Things I didn't need. But he did anyway. I smiled and tried to get used to it. I was used to random spontaniousness. Where he'd knock on my door and ask me if I was busy for the next four hours and twenty minutes. Where he'd drive somewhere in one hour and ten minutes. And drive me home in an hour and ten minutes too. The hours in the middle wherever we ended up.

Michael was nice. I ordered a salad and he ordered pasta. _I won't look at how you eat. Whatever. Don't order something lame like salad or pasta. Those are for squares. _I felt insecure eating in front of Michael. He did a lot of tlaking at first. He was used to dates like this. Pick up girl. Got to restaraunt. Talk to her. Eat. Talk some more. Take her home.

I never went on dates liek this. My closest was the nights when I would sit in a booth with Steven and we'd eat. Then it'd be free. But here was a place nobody knew me. I loved it. There was all this stuff on the walls and nobody knew me. The waitresses looked the same and all had nametags. They didn't know me or recognize me. I'm another customer. In a chain restaraunt.

I was listening to Michael. But I got a little bored. He was talking. I asked stupid questions. It was a question-answer conversation. I dug my nail inot my hand when I started thinking: when Steven and I talked...

This wasn't about me and Steven it was about Michael and me. I guess.

He looked at me after a pause. I looked around. He laughed. "You seem impressed by this place." He said.

I smiled. "I like it here." I said.

He smiled. "I was a little nervous. I don't know many girls who've never been to this place before." He looked at me sipping his soda. "I'm glad I could impress you though, even if it's just a little bit."

"Why?" I asked smiling.

He looked at me softly. "I think I liek you a lot Corrinne, and it may be a little soon but we've talked a lot and I really can't help it. I didn't like it here much... until I met you."

I really didn't know what to say. I looked at him. Hearing these words. He was being so nice. I blocked my sight from my mind. I saw someone a cler image in my head. I couldn't let myself think about that especially now. A boy was telling me he liked me. I looked back at him. "I like you too." I said back. My voice soft. It hurt saying that. Like someone was knocking the wind out of me; or trying to.

He smiled a little differently. "So maybe tonight could lead to another date?" He asked.

I smiled nodding. "Yes," I said.

And I felt all this air flow out of me. This weight lifted off of me and everything inside of me settled. For now.

* * *

He looked at my salad. "How is it?" He asked.

I looked at it. "Nate makes better salads," I said. I smiled. "But knowing he didn't make it makes it the greatest thing I've ever eaten."

He laughed. He had a nice laugh. We had been smilign at each other. I felt a little more comfortable. My mind less focused on everything. It was the two of us. I told him about the diner. My parents owning it and being "Diner Girl" for life. And how I wasn't oging ot inherit the diner but I was going to college next year. And he said he was going to an ivy league college. Which I felt intimidated by. I was just going to a small one. He was going to be a lawyer. I didn't know what I wanted to be yet.

He hated high school so far. I loved it. I had so many good memories. And he was ready for life to begin. I was scared of it. I didn't admit that little thing though. I ate my salad and he ate his pasta.

"Do you hate high school here?" I asked him. I stabbed a cucumber.

"No," He said. "Everyone's nice. And I don't know..." He smiled. "The parties are cooler. But I'm not much of a party person." I was chewing and didn't really know what to say. I _was_ sort of a party person. Not really. But I did go to parties with Steven a lot. "There was this party in a field and this band played..." I felt a shock. "They were pretty cool. Bands in my old town sucked. But I'm not too into music but they were really good."

I nodded. "I know," I said. I knew everyword to every song that band played. I was there every time they got together and played for kids. I knew what the songs were about. And I knew who most of them were about. I knew everything about that band. I just hadn't seen then in a while. Three months about.

"Do youk now the kids in it?" He asked.

I paused. "A little." I said. "I mean you get to know everyone in our grade after a little while."

He nodded. "Yeah," He said. "At my old school I knew almsot everyone."

"I've been going ot school with msot of these kids all my life." I said. Changing the subject. "I mean, you get to know all of them after that long." My mouth tasted sour all of a sudden. I sipped my soda. Thinking it was jsut my mind but the sourness wouldn't go away. It stayed. After the plates were cleared. And we were just talking. Not even anything near the subject that I blamed for bringing it on.

I was off a little bit. He drove me home and we kept talking. And he was so nice and sweet. When we stopped in front of my house. "Goodnight," He said softly. We paused. He jsut looekd at me. He smiled weakly. His cute smile. One I was used to and almsot had memorized. I looked back at him knowing what was happening.

There was a part of my that wanted to. I watched him lean in. And he was so close. I filled in the rest of the space. when my lips met his I felt split yet again. I closed my eyes. It was different. Than kissing Steven. His lips tasted like soda. And he was less expirienced than Steven. But he kissed me. Making me forget about Steven.

Michael smelled like nice cologne. And he moved his hands to my neck. His hands were soft. And he kissed me back. And it wasn't long; it was a first kiss. When he moved I was breatheless. The good kind. not the kind I was used to. He smiled at me. "Goodnight." He said softly again. "I'll see you tomorrow."

I smiled. "Goodnight."

I struggled ot open the door. My hands fumbling with the handle. He smiled and let me take my time. And he drove away when I was safe in my silent house. I touched my chest. Trying to feel my heartbeat. It still wasn't there.


	13. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

I walked around pouring coffee into people's mugs. The bells kept ringing. I waited for Michael to show up. Smiling and awake. But the bells kept ringing and it was always someone else. I took orders normally and waited tables. Finally the bells rang and it was a seat-yourself-day so they sat down where they were expected.

It was slow but I avoided that table as much as I could. Finally I went over to it. I poured coffee into the mug and he smiled up at me. "Tired from your hot date last night?" He asked.

I expected that. I rolled my eyes. He put sugar and coffee into his coffee. "No," I said. I was exhausted. I had to wake up early and come here with the air reeking of fried eggs and bacon. I had a reason to be too. Like I used to. "Do you want your usual?"

He sipped his coffee. "No," He said. He opened the menu for the first time since he first came here. "I'll have..."

I took out my notebook and my pen ready to write down whatever. I expected something difficult for him ot play with me. "A bagel." He said. He said bagel like _bag-ul_. And I wrote that down.

"Wow," I said.

"What?" He asked.

I looked at him. "You've ordered the same thing every time you've come here for as long as I've known you." I said. That was true. And suddenly I realized it hurt less thinking about then.

He smiled. "I thought you'd like it if I threw in a little variation." He said. I smiled getting ready to walk away. "So, what restaurant did he take you to?"

I stopped. "I forget the name," I said. "But it was some big chain one."

"Really?" Steven said, acting sarcastically impressed. "Wow."

I shook my head smiling. "You never took me anywhere except here." I said.

He laughed. "You never complained." He said. He pointed his spoon at me that he had picked up to stir his coffee with. "You were the one who always suggested it."

I walked away smiling. It continued. I liked talking to Steven as a friend. We weren't acting any differently from when we were dating actually. We still joked about the same things, it was shocking to see how fast things could go back to normal. But we talked about safe things. He interrogated me about my date while I counted tips. And he laughed at the "lame" things Michael did. I laughed too because Steven could always make me laugh no matter what.

Michael didn't come until later. When he did, Steven would point out things about Michale that were mean, but I couldn't help but laugh. And he would say awkward things. _You're so cute when you blush. I love it. _And I would try my best to ignore him, but I always smiled.

I sat across from Michael who didnt' seem to notice he was reading some book I didn't know and telling me about it. I was interested. He lent it to me. And I kept getting Steven coffee. He still paid under four dollars for his breakfast. And he got up suddenly. "Sorry, but I gotta' go." He said. "But you should definitely come to the fields this Friday. We're doing all these new songs, you should check them out."

I opened my mouth to talk. "Are you that singer from that band?" I looked to my right and suddenly Michael was there. He was leaving too.

"Yeah," Steven said smiling. "I am."

"I saw you a couple weeks ago," He said. "You're band's pretty sick."

"Thanks," Steven grinned. "Were you there when we played the new songs?"

"Yeah," Michael said. "I think I was. That Photography one?"

"Yep," He nodded. "You two should come this Friday. Corrinne's an old fan of ours."

Michael looked at me. "She is?"

I nodded looking away. Tucking hair behind my ear. "Yeah," Steven said smiling. "She's one of our older ones. We started playing together last summer."

"They were that band I was talking about," Michael said talking to me. "Why didn't you tell me you liked them?"

I looked at Michael. "I sort of stopped listening to them," I said quieter. This wasn't Steven's fault. It was more mine than his. But a part of me was expecting myself to blame him for bringing up that we were associated to each other in any way more than waitress and customer. But I guess that was inevitable.

"Then you both should definatly come next Friday to the fields." Steven said. "Whole set new songs."

I nodded and Michael agreed happily. I made eye contact with Steven. His grin faded to a small smile. He pretended to be listening to Michael. But I looked away. Finally Michael and Steven left. I walked back around. Filling coffee. I couldn't get Steven out of my head.


	14. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

Our first kiss was later. We dated a lot before it happened. We talked a lot. Hung out more than kissed. I had only kissed a few boys before him so I wasn't that expirienced. But we were sitting on the cliffs. On a blanket becuase we used to do that a lot. It wasn't something he'd do so he oculd get into my pants or something. We just used to look at the sky. And talk. About everything. And he was talking about this one time where he was just in the right place at the right time. And how he decided to run with what the world gave him. I had looked at him. And asked him when this was. Because he wasn't specific.

And he just kissed me.

I closed my eyes. Remembering that. The song started playing. Suddenly. Jusy beyond everything. I turned towards the window and kept thinking about it. I kept thinking about Steven. No matter what. When I hooked up with Michael for the first time, that night I thought about Steven. When Michael met Taylor, that night I thoguht about Steven. It was always when I couldn't control my mind. When I was too tired to.

And the song was always playing.

* * *

Michael was driving talking normally, not noticing the lack on conversation coming from my side of the car. I listened and nodded. When I wasn't tlaking he talked a lot. Kept talking while I fought back the butterflies and nervousness erupting out of me every second. The fields was where we went a lot back then. They set up equipemnt and played kids liking their music and freaking out about it and getting wasted. It was where we always were. Always the middle of everything.

Steven's the middle of eveything there. Everyone knows him and everyone's his friend. It's _his_ place. Mine is anywhere else. But I was going onto his territory with Michael. Soemthing I never planned on doing but knew would happen eventually.

We pulled up ot the circle. Seeing everyone walking aorund drinking beer looking like movie stars or looking like a typical high school scene. Steven's band was already set up and peopl we going closer to hear them. Though you could hear them from far awya too. But michael encouraged me ot get closer. To see Steven with his blue guitar, the one he always used getting ready to start singing new songs I'd bnever heard.

He saw us and waved. I waved back Michael not noticing. And suddenly you could hear drumsticks hitting together. Guitar appeared loud fast and punky. New guitar riffs and Steven forgot I was there. Playing. Not noticing me. michael turned his head in attention. "This is a new one."

_It's time to say goodbye_

_and here we stand again_

_right where we began_

_I'm begging you please_

_say any other word_

_than goodbye_

_I'll try and stay away,_

_but my heart's beating way too fast_

_and I can't believe_

_you're already gone_

_when I'm still waiting for 'Hello'_

I swallowed hard. His eyes flicked over at me. And I felt like my heart was a rock sinking down in my chest. Killing every organ beneath it. He wrote a song about me when we were together. It was beautiful and acoustic. We broke up before the band got it down in time for me to hear it. But here was a song about me. It's cocky to say but it was. I knew it. The way he kept looking at me singing these words. It was a song about me. Just completely different form the first one he wrote for me.

People clapped and drunk kids yelled. They dove into another song. He played not looking up at me. Until finally he started playing. This one a little slower.

_It's another night behind us_

_I'm not so keen on lettign go_

_but for you I'll do whatever I can._

_So I'll sleep tonight alone_

_and dream of you_

_and see if you are too._

I looked at Michael. "I'm going to get a beer." I said. "I'll be right back."

He looked at me confused a little. "Okay," He kissed me. I started wlaking knowing very well Steven saw that. I kept wlaking. Faster over towards the keg before slipping beside a car and curling up listening. To his voice.

_Through glass and frames_

_I see your face_

_drawn and beautiful-_

_a shade of pink._

_If you were to let go _

_don't leave me alone with_

_these photographs._

_Have you had enough of these_

_nights where we are just_

_framed negatives of light._

* * *

I walked back over sipping my beer standing next to Michael. He kissed my temple and we listened. Steven breaking into another song with the band. His best friends. Matt the dorky and tall one. Kenny the bassist. Jon on drums. And then there was Steven singing and surrendering his heart to whoever he wanted to listen badly. And I listened. Mkaing eye contact with him steadily. Making sure my theories were right. Each song was rightfully mine. All eight. Were about me. And he let me know by singing then to me wth all he had.

When finally I heard a guitar riff I knew.

_I'll wait 'till the shadow I cast_

_vanishes and the sun rises over _

_And makes our presence known._

_I'll wait till you stop hiding all the things_

_you think I'll never know._

_Today is that day. __Today is our day._

_And all I have to say is_

_what you'll never till I do first._

It was too much hearing these words after so long. I rememebered the night I first heard them. It was the nigt of the prom. And we were sitting in back of his van. On the cliffs of course. And he had an acoustic guitar and he smiled kissing my forehead getting up and tkaing out that guitar. it was Matt's but he played his song on it. Giving that song to me.

And then suddenly I remembered thinking those words. The words. A perfect set of them that always made sense and always will. The ones with a perfect ring that went along with those notes in perfect harmony and perfect tune. It was all I wanted ot say. Say it and mute those notes and just spit them out. Get them out so the world knew. And he did. I remembered them perfectly, and my mind unblocked them hearing the chorus. A series of words that weakened my knees and made me collapse into them. _I'm in love with Steven Green._

And suddenly I felt sick.

Michael was looking at me. "Hey, Core," He said. "You okay?" He touched my arm.

I looked at him. "I feel like crap, I'm sorry." I said. I felt bad. He wanted to see Steven's band. I was ruining everything. He nodded. "Come on."

* * *

**A/N: It's been a while. What do you think now? Predictions.**

**Also tell me if you've switched teams yet or at all? Team Steven or Team Michael.**


	15. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

We were kissing. I haven't hooked up with a boy since Steven. I mean Michael and I share short kisses. Like hello and goodbye ones but we were parked in frotn of my house and we were just kissing. I wasn't worried because I bet my mother would be dancing with my sister in the house knowing I was kissing a boy whose car wasn't on the verge of dying any time it reached a hill.

They probably already had the party planned by the time I got out of the car and said goodbye. I tumbledo n the stairs a little. I felt really liht and airy all of a sudden. This was what it was like to date someone again. To kiss them in their car before going inside. To feel all happy and full of excitement. But I walked into the house and waited a few minutes. I told my mother we had gone ot the movies. Not to see Steven's band. So I said the movie was good, but I already promised Elliott and Kirsten to tell them everything.

My mother told me to be home before midnight. So I went driving. Finding him where I expected him. Parked in the gas station sitting in back. we used to kiss and drink coffee to make it okay to get home. I walked up to the van, knocking on the door. In a second it opened. He looked at me. He made a face. "What are you doing here?"

"Can I talk to you?" I asked smiling really fake.

"Sure," He was on his knees inching ot the side to make room for me to climb in. I sighed.

"Out here," I said.

He looked at me. "Come on Core," He said. "It's cold."

_It's cold, can I just hold you for a few more minutes? I know but you're always warm. See I'm shaking. _I paused and climbed in. He shut the door. after a while you get used to walking on your knees in a van. He lay down carelessly in the van. The amps were secured agaisnt the wall and the guitars too. It was roomier. But I looked at him. "Steven..." I started.

"What did I do Core?" He asked. He was eating liquorish. "I didn't do anything wrong? I just played songs and you left. You didn't have to come."

I looked at him. "Why did you invite me to go?" I yelled almost. "Why did you do it in front of Michael?"

He froze. "He doesn't know we dated, huh?" He asked. He raised his eyebrows. "So we were together what? A year? and then you dump me and make it look like I'm the bad guy for reasons you wouldn't fucking tell me and then I'm the bad guy too because you and your fancy schmansy new guy boyfriend with a nice car and twenty bucks to take you to some chain restaurant doesn't know about me? He thinks I'm jsut some guy in a band. He doesn't even know my name probably."

I looked at Steven. I sat down reaching for his bag of liquorish and gettign a piece. I bit into it hard. "I can't tell him." I said. I chewed and swallowed. Steve just looked at me. His eyes were glowing so bright. He still looked relaxed. He had jsut had a rant. A short rant. And here he was collected while I wold be a mess.

"Why?" He asked.

"Because," I said. I bit my liquorish again chewing it like it was leather.

He laughed a little.

"What?" I said pissed off again.

"You look like you're eating someone." He said.

I looked at him. And shook my head smiling. I looked down. "Were all those songs about me?" I asked.

"Woah there Core," He sat up. "Don't get too cocky now. A guy can only right so many songs about one person. That was a good ten songs." He took otu another piece of liquorish and ate half of it in one bite.

"How many songs can you write about someone?" I asked looking at him.

He shrugged. "Depends." He said. "When I was ten I wrote a good five songs about my teacher. She had all these hairy moles and was big and fat and-"

"Steven..." I said.

"But I bet," He shook his half eaten piece of liquorish at me. "There is some guy out there with some modest girl who he wrote a million and seven songs about that she never even considers to be hers." I rolled my eyes. "And I bet there is some guy who wrote about ten or eleven songs about a really cocky girl who just goes ahead and assumes they're all about her every last one of them."

I made a face at him.

He snuggled back to his comfortable relazed position. "Were we better than we were?" He asked.

I shrugged. "Actually yeah," I said.

He took a new peice of liquorish and shook it at me too. "Practice makes perfect," He said. "My life motto."

I shook me head. "No it's not." I said.

"How do you know?"

"Because I know that your life motto is 'the universe tends to unfold as it should'." I looked at him. "Am I right?"

And he paused thinking about this eating his candy. He looekd at me. "I think so," He said. He smiled. His big grin. "I trust you more than I trust myself."

I sighed. I looked at my phone. "It's getting late." I said. "I should-"

"Go?" He asked. "Nah, you can stay a few more minutes, I want you to tell me more about this Michael..." I rolled my eyes and started to move on my knees to the door. He got up and grabbd my hand. "Hey, not so fast."

I turned around. "What?"

"One qustion," He said. He let go of my hand. I sighed turning to face him normally. He let me anticipate. I waitedfor somethign deep. Somethign that'd screw me up for months like his lyrics. He picked at his jeans at nothing. I crossed my arms and waited. And he looked up. "Be comepletely honest," He said. "Okay, so, whose the better kisser?"

I sighed rolling my eyes. He was Steven. I should have expected this. "I don't know,"

"Come on," He said. "You remember, and you probably just made out with him anyways. What's the verdict?"

I shook my head. "I'm not telling you." I said. "Goodnight." I turned again, but his hand caught my arm again. I looked at him. And he just looked at me. It was weird and silent. I held my breathe. Shocks and shocks moved up my arm and hit me in the chest. He leaned in and enclosed the space between us.

It was short but he made it worth it when it counted. His hands carressed my face and he knew exactly how to kiss me. He tilted his head just so, and he didn't just shove his tongue into my mouth. He didn't even try to get his tongue into my mouth. It was jsut kissing. Simple kissing. His lips tasted like liquorish and then when my lips parted his mouth tasted like liquorish. I pulled away. "I have to go." I said out of breath.

He had this look of shock and amazement on his face. I fumbled with the door. "Core," He said. I got out. And shut him in his van again. I got into my car and left before he could get out. Driving by he was standing there watching me. I started crying. So I went to the hills and parked so high above everything and cried. Sobbed.

It hurt so bad realizing your hearts still there only when you try and kill it.


	16. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

I opened my locker and slammed it shut. He hovered behind me. "Just listen to me," He said. I stopped sharply feeling him bump into me. I turned and looked at him. "Please," I said looking at him desperately. "Leave me alone. Michael's going to see us talking, and..." There wasn't anyone around us because I had left lunch purposely to avoid him only to discover he had caught on. His eyes sank into an unusual shade of sadness. The bell rang and I turned walking away from him leaving him a few steps behind.

"Core," He said. He caught up. He was persistent. "Can we at least talk?"

"No," I said. "We can't," I couldn't look at him. I wanted him to leave me alone. A desperate tugging erupted in my chest. I just wanted him to go back into his world and I could be in my world again. I wanted him out. I wanted him gone. I wanted him to be shoved out of my life again. I was stupid if I ever thought we could be friends. I could barely handle being alone with him. "Let's just forget this whole friend thing and go back."

"It's only been a week," He said. "We slipped up once, it's no big deal."

I kept walking. I tightened my eyes on the hallway in front of me. I couldn't stand him. I hated him and people were seeing us together talking. Something would circulate around and Michael would hear somehow about everything. He ruined everything again. He kept up with me until I dove headfirst into the crowd. He was lost behind me. I was shaking, I realized, as soon as I got to class.

* * *

Michael had come by the diner to get a cup of coffee and to make some plans for the next weekend. I had smiled and we had agreed. As soon as he was gone I was back into the same trance I had been in all day. I kissed Steven Green again. I was back to square one while dragging along Michael. But Michael knew nothing. He didn't know Steven's full name. He was just Steven from that cool band that plays in the fields. He wasn't anything to Michael, and Michael liked him too much for his own good because of that.

Taylor glared at me after I dropped a napkin dispenser onto the ground. "What the hell is up with you today?" She asked.

I ignored her scooping up the silver tin dispenser and walked it to table I had taked it off of. "I'm telling mom," She warned me from behind the counter. Like that would do anything.

"Stop being five years old," I snapped at her. She narrowed her eyes at me and her nostrils flared. I went to get someone coffee when the bells rang and in came Steven. He sat down at his corner booth and waited for me. His hands were folded neatly in front of him. If I avoided him, Taylor would know. I walked over and took out my notebook. "Are you going to get anything?" I asked.

"Grilled cheese," He said looking up at me pathetically.

I wrote it down. "Anything else?" He was going to order a glass of milk.

"Milk would be fine," He said. I wrote that down too. I didn't look at him.

"I'll put this in," I said tightly.

"I'll be here," He said smiling a little. He thought he was winning. I walked away only to come back with a glass of milk and a straw. He thanked me nicely. And took out a folded copy of some book and started reading. I brought him his grilled cheese and he thanked me. "Have you read 'Dogrun'?"

"No," I said. "I didn't check it out."

He nodded. "You should read it." He said. I walked away. Taylor didn't say a word to me. As soon as she was gone I avoided that corner at all costs. Steven stayed there until my shift was over. As I drove around the diner, I saw his van drive off into the distance. Typical Steven Green. I watched it shake as it made its way back to his house. I hated him so much.

* * *

Elliott always waits by my locker at the beginning of the day. I walked up to her smiling saying hello sheepishly. She just gave me a look. She stepped out of the way for me to go into my locker. I took off my bag looking voer at her. "Hey," I said. "What's up?"

"Nothing," She said. "Just the usual."

"How was the Calc test?" I ask.

She tightens her jaw and looks at me. "So, how's Michael?" She says. I tell her he's fine. We're going on a date this weekend again, he hasn't told me where yet. She nods tightly. "How's Steven?" She asks.

I look over at her. I panic suddenly. "What?" I say softly.

She holds up a little note. "I found him sitting here," She said. She fiddles with the tight little folds of paper. "Now, Steven never is anywhere on time, but he was here bright and early waiting for you. He looked pretty damn pathetic, too, Core. So hopefully you cut him off before he ruined everything again."

I looked at her. "What did he say to you?"

She looked at me. "Nothing really," She said. "Just told me to give this to you."

I nodded she passed it to me. I stared at it. "Oh," I said. I put it in the top shelf of my locker to ignore it.

She crossed her arms and waited. I got my books and shuffled some papers around. She was silent and it was uncomfortable. Not just the normal uncomfortable. It was stiff and tense. I waited for her to say something else. I waited for a lecture, but Elliott wasn't like that. "I'll see you in English," I said shutting my locker.

She didn't say anything.

I turned to walk and then I heard her. "You kissed him," She said suddenly.

I whipped around and saw her. She was glaring at me. "What?" I said.

"That's just a guess," She said. "Hopefully you didn't let him screw you again."

I stared at her. She nodded. "If you don't say anything," She spoke tightly as I walked closer so nobody heard us. There wasn't anyone around us really. "I'm going to assume you guys fucked or something."

"It was just a kiss." I said softly. "He kissed me. I'm never talking to him again."

She sighed. "Core, you got to figured this stuff out." She said. "He ruins everything. He always will. This friends shit won't work with him. He's just going to wriggle his way in like this. He's still clearly hooked up on you."

I nodded. "Come on," She said. "I want to get a drink from the caf."

We turned and walked side-by-side to the vending machines in silence. I saw a flash of him. His hair and his eyes watching me as we cut past his hallway. I hate him. I hate him more than anyone. This was it. We were done.


End file.
